The Call

*Ring*

Hello? “Hi Mom … I wanted to call and let you know that I am OK.”

Oh Morgan! I have so much to tell you – to share with you! So much has happened in the last five years. We adopted a new cat. Her name is Hella. I wonder if you would like her as much as you liked your favorite Willow. And Logan; he is doing phenomenal! He perseveres for his well-being, happiness, and everything he strives for. You two are a lot alike in this aspect. I think he pulls strength from you. He has been determined, dedicated, and healthy. He works hard for what he has .. oh, and he brought a new puppy to our family! His name is Knox. Logan liked my name I picked for him. You know Logan .. all about the dollars! So, Fort Knox – Knox is his name. He is an American Bully. Yes, I had to pick a unique name like always with our pets. You made light fun of this in the past (with Seven’s name, and Hazel’s), but these are the small significant things that make us “us”! You might think he’s obnoxious – one of your favorite identifying terms. Maybe rather extreme; probably more so annoying; at times, though I think you would think he’s cute. You have probably already given him a nickname, like Chubs, or something along those lines! Debo, Phelix, and Seven are all coming to see you in the next couple of years; their health is aging, and it makes me sad. But I know they will be so excited to see you, and I think you will be too. Grams is still working. Do you see her every day? Tell her to retire already!

I walked a 20-mile Ruck Veteran’s Day weekend. Were you walking with me? Could you hear me talking to you then? I did! Complaining and babbling. And asking you for strength to make it to the end. It was rough but I carried through; for you. Do you see your friends often? Engagements, weddings, babies … I see and follow these milestones and put us within them; wondering; dreaming. I spent time with Haley in October. We don’t talk often. I know you are with her always. I wonder if Drew would like you. He doesn’t like guys 😉 She came with me to Titletown for a remembrance event. I know, I know .. the GB Packers. But did you see us holding your Honor and Remember Flag? And all the support out there?

I put that flag out for today. I hope it is seen by all that pass. Gosh, there are a thousand and 51 things I want to tell you. Not that I haven’t told you them during the “in the moment” times, but you’re on the other end listening right now. Like all the times you have been honored and remembered; being carried, memories shared, messages from friends I’ve never personally met but bonded with. So much love and positive impact because of you. You should be proud of yourself. As I am.

We made our new tradition pizza again for Thanksgiving. We also watched the Cowboys game this year. It’s a first in a long time since you went away. It’s just never been the same. You know, I stopped doing traditional food because you never got your requested ham in 2016. I think of this every year. So does Grams. The little things that we wish we could change. Logan makes the dough from scratch. You would like it! I wonder if Logan’s friend Timmy would drive you nuts.

It has been said that one is not supposed to ask their loved one for signs, but will you visit me? Will you send me more signs of your presence? I don’t ask often, and I know you’re busy fighting the good fight (as you are and forever will be a soldier), but I would certainly cherish it. If only I could hold and hug you again. Give you that kiss on your forehead as I walk past the recliner. Remember when you came to my side shortly after you left us? To have that again would mean the world to me Morgan.

Did you see Logan’s new truck? Do you like it? It’s dirty already. But it’s his work truck and it’s another grand accomplishment he has made. I know you are proud of him! Oh, and Isaac’s mullet! Well, as you probably know, he had to cut it off for wrestling. But he was sporting one! And Senri Morgan. I hope that melted your heart. I bet you are her guardian angel. If you haven’t talked to Trevor lately, maybe you should. I think he needs your voice every now and then.

I’m sorry Morgan, my grief and sadness has affected my memory. My thinking and thoughts. I can’t remember everything I want to say or tell you right now and I know once we hang up thoughts will start emerging and I’ll be so upset that I couldn’t remember when I needed to.

~silence~

Morgan? …….. Morgan? ……… hello? …….

And I slowly hung up the phone as I awoke from my sleep. All my random, out of time sequence reflections and I didn’t get to tell him everything I wanted to. Like asking his thoughts on Biden, Covid, and how the World has seemingly gone mad. Talking about my struggles with both health and mental health that I continue to have – not that he would want to hear it, but he always had supporting feedback for me. About the rest of our family and how everyone is doing. Sharing the simple joys that only he and I would understand. Everything. Just everything. How do you fill 5 years of memories, happenings, every day-to-day moments in one phone call? It seemed I had forever. And then it was silent. Him telling me that he called to let me know that he is okay. That is real. But the rest? Did he hear me? I can only believe that even though that call had ended after he said his few words, that he has been present and continues to look on and be a part of our lives every day. Taking in all the craziness, both heartfelt and heartbroken. Guiding us silently. Surrounding us with his love and hearing us. Hearing me and everything I have spoken to him.

I often say that nothing has changed. This still stands. It is still as yesterday. Today, five years ago he was in class at NWTC as I write this. The last text I would receive was at 1:23p. By 3:38p the sirens went by my work window; he had already left us. This timeline never fades. The flashbacks never fade. This pain never fades. My grief never fades.

I forget things. A lot. Grief brain, as I’ve stated many times, is REAL. Add a dose of heavy-duty anxiety, post-traumatic stress, and continuous shots of sadness to this and voilà: Complicated grief? Maybe. I carry some of these characteristics, but not all. Struggle. Another infamous verb. Very real. Consisting of lack of concentration, trust, loneliness, and intense empathy that brings on all sorts of affliction. All that continues to brew within me regardless of what I do for self-help. I often want to leave and be with Morgan. Not to continue the pain within my family and friends, but to cease my own. This is why I understand Morgan’s choice. I live it. He was in a tremendous amount of pain. His service in the military hurt him. I won’t get into the what if’s and why’s about that. That is my private time. With my own mind. But I understand his anguish. I hold the same. It is wearing and it whittles away at your mind, body, and soul.

The things I do know and remember right now:

Morgan should be here. He is loved. He is missed. He continues to touch others in an influential way. He left everlasting inspiration.

Logan needs me as I need him.

My mom needs me as I need her.

My pets (my solace) need me as I need them.

I will continue to shed endless tears.

I will put your bow on your tree this evening.

I will share this piece with your picture.

I will spend the day reminiscing as I always do.

And I will yearn for you, Morgan.

As I am here ….. today.

~Mom

https://www.legacy.com/us/obituaries/htrnews/name/morgan-daly-obituary?pid=183002397&utm_source=MarketingCloud&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=ObitShare_PowerInbox_Neustar_090721&utm_content=ViewObituary&sfmc_id=44918038&env=52d3e3fb1be77cc23cfb5a748013f333b5a65600