Graduation …

Time fly’s even when you’re not having fun. Crazy, because it stands still too; everything like yesterday.

It’s a beautiful day for graduation. Just as it was on June 7, 2015, when, four years ago you participated in the Valders Class of 2015’s High School Commencement.

Already graduated five months earlier in order to cash in on your dream of becoming a Marine, which, might I add, you excelled at.

So handsome in your dress blues – standing out from everyone else. My son. A United States Marine. I sat with my eyes on you the entire ceremony as the years of you growing up played in my mind. All the prior graduations: Preschool; marching over the tiny bridge with your little diploma in hand. Fourth grade; when you insisted on wearing a tux because Logan was wearing one for his Eighth Grade graduation. Eighth Grade; sporting an arm cast … which I can’t remember why. Karate? Messing around? This, too, bugs me ..*sigh*.. a memory I should recall but faded.

I watched with intensity as you approached the stage. As you were receiving your diploma, I ran from my seat for that pic as you stepped down, only for it to turn out blurry. One of those things that you never forget when all you have are memories. Standing proud for photo ops with your high school guys. So many classmates wanting a pic with their Marine. The thousands of additional family pics taken afterwards – you and her. You and him. You and those 3; oh wait – we forgot you and him and those 2, and even more at the lake. Memory Keeper Mom. Both you and Logan giving me a hard time about keeping everything and taking moment by moment photos thru the years. Well, I am grateful, and I know you both are now happy for me that I didn’t let either of you out of any of it. Especially you Morgan. I know you were tired and already dying inside but you allowed me to capture what I didn’t know would be some of the last moments.

This date; full of sentiment to me. My heart is warm, yet aches, with the yearning to be able to reminisce these memories with you in reach – so I can hug you tight and tell you in person how proud I still am, and forever will be, of you and your great accomplishments.

You had a goal and dream from such a young age to become a Marine. The impression left on you by the poolees during your time in martial arts/Kenpo Karate was set deep. There was no changing your mind. And I tried! Only because I was scared of the possible outcome of my baby being deployed. Never did I think that possible outcome would have turned out to be what it did. Relentlessly you pushed, and I succumbed and signed the papers for the Delayed Entry Program. I knew you would have went once you became an adult, and I felt at ease after debating with you, oh so often, and speaking with (at the time) SSgt Schneider (who will shortly be promoted to Gunnery Sergeant as of this writing!). He understandingly and gently answered all of my concerns.

People that have not experienced what I have with your death could never possibly understand how much, albeit a memory if you were still with us, events and milestones like graduation continue to bring “happy heart-breaking sadness”.

Our suicide. Yes, ours. It is not just yours. It is mine. It is Logan’s. It is Grandma’s. It is all of ours. It forces me to shy away from the world. New life, new death, and everything in between. The ever-lasting effect of it prevents me from enjoying aspects of life that normally I should be able to be happy towards, at least for the sake of others. It hinders me to express and share the grief and sorrow of loss with others and to provide the strength and support that they may need. Maybe someday I will be able to adjust and experience things in a different light and share joy with and be the rock for the people that mean the most to me. Until then I will continue to solely find solac Mgrad e in the memories I hold and the inspiring mark that you have left on this World.