I lay here, submersed in water, my heart beating. Beating loud and steady with my breath. I lay here, silence all around me, calm, and I listen. Thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump…
As this life inside soothes me, my mind starts to wander. It wanders mostly to Morgan and the day he died. I wonder if he wore his ear buds and blared his favorite music to drown out the sound of his own life in those last moments. To stop the thump-thump that he may have faintly heard without lyric and musical distraction.
It makes me think of how the calming effect of this drumming repetition could slowly drowse me away and I could motionlessly slip deeper under, and sometimes, wishfully, inhale one last time. But, the rush of the water entering my body would forbid this momentary wish and I’d gasp for air and be forced upright thinking what the fuck Shanen, while bursting into heavy tears with my knees pulled to my chest, head burrowed down, temporarily paralyzed in this tub of water.
I sit in this dampness, the chill settling in, darkness gripping my mind, thoughts racing. No beeline here. A maze of detours to the multitude of memories and past events running rampant in my mind, distracting me from getting back on path…to the light…to my purpose that I am so uncertain of; harboring ambivalence. Preventing me from being lulled by the thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump of my life within. A positive misfortune I suppose. As I am still here. I pull myself up and wrap warmth around me, cautiously filing away what just occurred. I step out leaving that place, my heart slowing down…thump-thump, thump-thump, thump-thump………for now.
Daly Chronicles 