Kam…

I went to say goodbye to you. I was scared, anxious, nervous, unsettled. I cried all the way there. When I entered your room, I cried harder. I envisioned what I would entail. The reality was clearer than my vision. I sobbed. I knew I was not ready for this, but I knew more that I needed to see you. As I neared, my thoughts of Morgan came fast. Were you going to be cold when I held your hand? As he was? Figments came rushing of that day, like a sudden gust of wind propelling my thoughts at me. Too much to handle. 

I held your hand my friend. I held it more than once. I spoke softly to you. Reminiscing about Franklin. The crazy cassette tapes we made with those goofy sounds. You know, “plop plop pheewwww”! This will stick with me forever; sitting outside of the gymnasium windows with my tiny boom box recording ourselves. Laughing so hard that I am certain one of us probably pissed our pants! And Ty. Good ol’ Tyrone. Those were the fun young days. Then teen years. “Push It”. The parking lot at Club Soda or Adventure Inn. Singing it at the top of our lungs. And of course, getting in trouble, running away, skipping school. Not that these were good things at the time; but they were fun for us and memories none-the-less. Like the time we were with these two guys we knew. Stoned. The driver rear-ended another car and all we could do, though scared shitless, was laugh our asses off. The experimentations turned into addiction for you. For me? All I did was pass that on to my surviving child. 

I remember shopping with your mom once. We were in grade school. I was spending one of many nights at your house. I think it was the old Sentry in the plaza mall. There was a woman with a ‘stache and we just could not get over our giggles. Shame on us. I claim young and naïve, but your mom was fuming with us on that store visit! Many moments we have shared through the years. I asked you, when it was your time to leave us, to be sure to give Morgan a huge hug from me. Share stories. Step in for me.

As I sat and just stared at you, all those memories running thru my mind with memories of Morgan intertwining. And thoughts. Thoughts of Logan and his future. The two of you; so much alike. A beautiful friend and mother, and a beautiful son who sadly has the equal unintentional chance of laying right where you lay. Fighting in this world to survive against the demons that slowly destroy you. Thoughts of your daughter, who mind you, has grown to be an extremely strong and gorgeous momma and woman. Your grandchildren who are too young to understand the depth of you. And your young son who will miss you so very much; not fully comprehending any of this. And definitely your mom. She and I can relate on so many levels. I feel her pain deeply and the most words I have for her is that “I get it”. 

I spent five hours with you. I know I had so much more to say but couldn’t find the words. Part of me felt silly talking to you. I think it is because we had lost touch the past couple of years. I tried, my friend. I kept in touch with your mom and daughter, never knowing where you were. 

I promise you this: As long as I am here, I will silently watch over your family the best that I can. I will watch your grandchildren grow and check in on your daughter and mom with thoughts of you in my mind.

Rest easy girl ‘til you take your last breath. I will see you again ❤

~much love~